


Unimaginable

by YesBucky (Dooba)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Dissociation, Grief, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental and Physical Pain, descriptions of violence, sort of CA:TWS compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:15:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29760888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dooba/pseuds/YesBucky
Summary: But nothing of what he feels compares to the pain that is caused by these people telling him that Steve is dead.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic filled with pain. I'm not lying folks. If this isn't your thing, I'm okay if you decide to click away now. If you do like it, I'd love to hear from you. 
> 
> What brought this on:  
> @Veste4ykcub said on Twitter: Hope the rest of you are thinking about Hydra telling Bucky that Steve was dead and him crying about it until they made him forget.
> 
> And I said: This gives me a horrible, painful fic idea where Bucky gets wiped and every time again they tell him "Steve's dead", and then one day Bucky says "Who is Steve" with that little frown and Hydra knows he's ready
> 
> So I wrote this. I'm sorry.

The first time he wakes up after the fall - that he can remember -, Bucky shouts and fights until his whole universe is nothing but pain. What’s left of his left arm is pounding, the nerve endings burning mercilessly, his broken ribs preventing him from panting through the hurt. His knee is probably dislocated and they crushed his toes when he didn’t obey - he can’t pinpoint the individual injuries anymore. But nothing of what he feels compares to the pain that is caused by these people telling him that Steve is dead. 

  
  


The first time they try to break him, the pain doesn’t even register as much. All he knows is that Steve is dead. They killed him. Nobody is going to save him here, because the only man who might know where he is, is no longer alive to find him. Bucky has flashes of memories that tear him wide open every time. Wandering hands under too thin blankets, a well placed touch to solicit a gasp.  _ Whisper it in my good ear Buck, c’mon, I’m so hot for you _ . Bucky sags in his chains and cries. 

  
  


The first time they put him in the chair, he doesn’t know what to expect. He fights, but they broke his right arm before they even got him out of his cell so he wouldn’t have as much leverage to fight. He can feel the bones healing, the stuff Zola put in his body before Steve saved him making him sick as it works to deal with the many injuries that they inflicted on him. They’re HYDRA, Bucky knows. He’s been told a few times now, he thinks. Just like they keep telling him Steve is dead. He knows. The grief is unsurmountable. Then a bit is placed between his teeth and some sort of frame is placed over his head. Oh, that hurts. For once, unconsciousness claims him mercifully fast. 

  
  


The first time he dreams, he dreams of falling, of bitingly cold wind, of being dragged through the snow. His left arm reaches for someone, a face he has known since childhood. Steve. He thinks he says the name, the shape of it so familiar on his tongue. He can taste it.  _ Till the end of the line, pal _ \- He wakes up from rough hands pulling him from his cell. He thinks he’s begging, he doesn’t know anymore. They tell him Steve is dead, the news a total shock to his system, and Bucky fights, panics, screams his disbelief at these strangers in white coats. 

  
  


The first time they put him in cryo, Bucky doesn’t dream. When they thaw him, his body shivering violently and his throat hoarse from his screams, the first thing he asks for is Steve. “Don’t you know? Steve is dead,” they tell him. Crushing grief washes over him and he forgets his bodily discomforts as realization hits that he will never see his childhood best friend again. 

  
  


The first time Hydra succeeds in breaking Bucky, the Asset no longer refers to itself with the name it was given at birth. It’s thawed, hosed down and fed. The agent tasked with testing whether the Asset can still be triggered by past memories steps back a safe distance and clears his throat. “Steve asked for you.” The Asset doesn’t move, just lifts his gaze to the scientist that is shaking like a leaf in the far corner of the room. “Who is Steve,” it says, its voice a monotone. It has learned long ago not to ask any questions. Questions will only ever end in violence. A memory tugs at the edge of its brain. The Asset shakes it off. Must be a past mission. It does not know a Steve. So, then: “Ready to comply.”

The first time the Asset falters is when it is fighting a blond man on a bridge. The mission is easy: kill this man, but the Asset struggles to complete it. His opponent is skilled and also very strong. The Asset finds a thread of… something in his mind. Of that same face with the blue eyes and the blond hair and  _ a stubborn streak the size of _ \- The Asset keeps fighting. Loses its goggles, but the mask stays. The mask always stays. The mask doesn’t allow it to speak. But that doesn’t matter. Like HYDRA says, it’s not like it has anything useful to say anyway. 

The first time the Asset’s brain remembers something is when the Asset’s mission flies back a few yards after a kick to the chest. The shield skitters off, unreachable to either of them. The cowl -  _ that ridiculous cowl, you look like... but you’re keeping the outfit right?  _ \- The Asset falters. Does not understand the signals its brain is sending him.  _ Don’t you know? Your buddy is dead _ . Its ears are ringing. The Asset stands frozen as its opponent goes in for the attack. Mission: failure. The Asset is incapacitated, taken away to a strange new place. When it gets back to HYDRA, punishment will await.  _ Don’t do anything stupid until I get back- _ It hopes idly the torture in the new place won’t be too bad.

The first time the man opens his eyes in his new cell, he realizes he’s not alone. There’s someone in the cell with him. He tries to move, but he’s bound to the bed. Heavy chains, stuff strong enough to keep even him down. But this is not HYDRA. HYDRA would never have covered him with a blanket. The man in the corner of the cell is sleeping,  _ always did snore, even when you were-  _ Something clicks. The man frowns. Swallows. Licks his lips - finds that the mask is off. 

“Steve?”

  
  



End file.
